Just One Can
by ChickenDeNoodleyNoodleIII
Summary: Sasuke is craving his precious Diet Coke, and is faced with a horrible dilemma... One Shot, Crack


**I know, I know. It's shocking! Utterly shocking! I, ChickenDeNoodleyNoodle the Third, have wrote a bona-fide oneshot story! This is my like, what, second attempt at a oneshot, ever?**

**So, I lol'd to myself a bit when I wrote this, because there was only one can of Diet Coke left in my house when it was finished. So I went "BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"**

**Read it, love it, eat it!**

* * *

Sasuke's eye twitched as he contemplated the empty fridge in front of him. Well, not the fridge itself, which was actually packed full of various containers and bags of foodstuffs. What he was actually glaring at was the spot, the specific drawer, that was _his_ _and his alone_, where his Diet Coke was supposed to be. Instead of Diet Coke, however, there was only a Diet Coke-less plastic refrigerator drawer... and 12 conspicuous blue cans labeled "Diet Pepsi". He detested Diet Pepsi with all his being, and there was only one person stupid enough to be responsible for this blasphemy. His noisome and idiotic roommate Uzumaki Naruto. And the stupid bastard didn't even the good graces to be present so he could chew him out.

Sasuke closed the door, his eyes closed tight in concentration as he tried to prevent the headache caused by the blond idiot's stupidity. As wonderful an idea as it was, Uchihas did not commit acts of murder, no matter how justified the act was, and he was an Uchiha, dammit! However, maiming was still a viable option... But first, he would have to focus on the fact that there was no Diet Coke in the apartment, and that he was craving, _craving_, the taste of it in his mouth like a vampire does blood. If he did not drink some Diet Coke soon... well, heads would roll, and one of them would be a certain blond's.

The first thing Sasuke did was check his wallet. Which was empty. Which meant that it was void of one dollar bills. Which meant that he could not use the vending machines. Which meant that he would have to go to the bank, and withdraw money, so he could satisfy his thirst. Or he could take the quicker method and just borrow a dollar, but that was out of the question, because Uchihas were never in debt to anyone!

So Sasuke put on his shoes, threw on his jacket, straightened the collar, and made his way out the door, across the hallway, down the stairs, and out of the building as quickly as he could without running. Running made him look desperate and undignified, and Uchihas were never desperate, nor undignified, even if they were possessed with such a thirst that, if the opportunity presented itself, they would gladly drink several gallons of Diet Coke. At once.

He made it to Konoha City Bank with minimal complications. Minimal being it only took him twenty minutes instead of the ten it should have due to chatty friends – who could not comprehend the importance of his mission – trying to start a conversation with him, even though he had made overt attempts at ignoring them. Then again, Sakura comprehended very little about him, and tended not to notice when he brushed her off, and Ino was blonde... just like a certain someone who was going to be bleeding – heavily – once he had accomplished his goal.

But now he was faced with the fact that there wasn't a single teller's booth that wasn't occupied by at least twenty blathering idiots incapable of understanding the severity of his craving. His eye twitched again as he turned around and walked out the door, hoping that the ATM outside would be available. Much to his irritation, there was a line for that, too. But it was much shorter, so he moved into position behind an old lady, some mullet-bearing musclehead who looked pissed off, a mother holding the hand of a sniveling little brat of a girl, and an old man who was squinting at the screen through a pair of dirty glasses. He had a bad feeling about this.

The old man had taken ten minutes to get his money, after having to restart twice because he had read the instructions wrong. The woman used the ATM much quicker, but her brat had started screaming and bawling and throwing a fit because she wasn't moving fast enough and they only had an hour until the Hannah Montana concert started and they wouldn't be able to buy the shirt she wanted because they'd be all sold out by the time they got to the concert. Sasuke could care less, and was seriously considering just knocking the girl on the head with a blunt object to shut her up. Fortunately, for the brat's sake, she was dragged off, still kicking and screaming, before Sasuke was able to find a weapon suitable enough.

He wished he had found a weapon, though, because the asshole with the mullet started pounding on the ATM when it wouldn't accept his card. The screen cracked under the blows, and several alarms went off. The man was finally dragged away by bank security, struggling against the burly guards. The little old lady walked away with a pitying shake of her head, and Sasuke stood there, fuming.

He walked back into the bank, and now the lines were even longer. Sasuke resigned himself to a wasted hour-and-a-half of standing, impatiently in line. The last person in front of him finally walked away, and he nearly sprinted the five feet to the teller's desk. Just as she was saying the beautiful words "Would you like to make a withdrawal?" a gunshot went off in the middle of the room. Everyone screamed, dropping to the floor, and the tellers ducked behind their counters. Sasuke just turned around, glaring at the man who had the audacity to prevent him from making a withdrawal so he could go and purchase his precious Diet Coke.

"Nobody move! Gimme all the money ya got, and non'ya gets hurt, aiight?" Pain. This man was going to experience lots and lots of pain. One does not threaten an Uchiha without suffering for it. That thought was at the forefront of Sasuke's mind as he wove through the huddled forms lying on the tile, making his way towards the robber.

"Hey! Oi! Stupid! Don't come any closer, 'cuz I'll blow you away, muthafucka! I said don't move!" The man, probably thinking the foolish thought that a mere firearm would deter him, started waving said firearm about wildly, trying to make the fact he had a gun more obvious. Sasuke did not care, and as he finally reached the bastard, the man tried to point the gun at him.

He didn't get the chance as Sasuke cold-cocked him, the sound of his jawbone breaking echoing throughout the large room. The man hit the floor unconscious, his gun clattering onto the tile three feet away. Sasuke gave him an extra kick to the chest for good measure, hoping that the man would later understand that one does not get between an Uchiha and his Diet Coke. There was silence for a moment as everyone looked at him, dumbfounded as they tried to comprehend what had just happened. And then the shouting started.

People tried to congratulate him, shake his hand, call him a 'hero'. Sasuke ignored all of them as he made his way back to the teller. It took the girl a moment to come up from under her hiding space on the counter, which in that amount of time Sasuke was sure he received at least one hundred back-pats and words of thanks, all of which meant nothing to him, because none of them offered him Diet Coke. Before the teller could say anything to him, he demanded twenty dollars out of his account, took it from her hand, and walked out of the bank without a word to the other bank-goers. The police pulled up just as he was walking away from the doors, and they didn't seem to notice him as they hurried through the doors behind him. He hurried away before they could make any pesky inquiries.

He finally made it into a nearby super market, and decided that composure was no longer necessary as he sprinted towards the aisle labeled 'Sodas and Beverages'. Or at least, where it was supposed to be. But when he got there, there were only two toppled sets of store shelving, an irritated custodian who was muttering something about mullets, and a growing puddle of pop spreading across the floor. Sasuke snapped, screaming and shrieking as he kicked and punched and attempted to cause as damage as he could to the fallen sets of steel and wood. All that resulted from that were bloody knuckles, a broken toe, and a bruised tail-bone because he slipped on the soda-covered linoleum. Sasuke lay on the floor for a moment, wondering why the god of Diet Coke had such complete and utter loathing for him, before he finally curled up into the fetal position and began to cry, his clothes slowly becoming soaked by the puddle of cola he was laying in.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_**

Naruto opened the fridge, thirsty. He didn't see anything he wanted out in the open, so he opened Sasuke's soda drawer. All that was in there was the Diet Pepsi for the party tomorrow. So Naruto closed the door, and almost shut the door before he noticed an inconspicuous silver can peeking out sideways from behind the milk carton. Moving the milk, he picked up the can. It was one of Sasuke's Diet Cokes! And that sounded really good to him right now...

Naruto cracked open the can, and just as he was putting it to his lips, door slammed open. He heard several footsteps, and a startled gasp from behind him. The blond turned around, mouth still to the can, and was met by the sight of a shocked Uchiha, standing there in his dripping outfit.

"Naruto... where the hell did you get that?" The heat behind the soaked Uchiha's words nearly scorched him. He wondered what had made Sasuke so pissed off.

"Uhh... it was behind the milk. I hope you don't mind..." Sasuke just stared at him, his face empty of all emotion. And then he got a manic gleam in his eye as he walked into the kitchen, his hand searching for a certain drawer handle.

"Sasuke? Are you alright? What's the matter? ... Hey, that's the knife drawer! What are you doing? Sasuke! Put it down! Get away from me with that!"

Sasuke decided that, just this once, he would break the Uchiha code, because Uzumaki Naruto was going to die!

* * *

**lol**

**Read and Review!**

**Loves,  
The Chicken!**

**P.S: Thanks Grace, for making sure this didn't completely suck!**


End file.
